Miscarriage

I have miscarried.

I am now meant to be ten weeks pregnant. Instead I am un-pregnant and in a great deal of physical and emotional pain. It sucks.

Exactly a week ago, I felt like something was wrong. I made myself keep quiet about it and just pretend that it was to do with the morning sickness and dull cramps I was having. That night, I just had to tell my husband. I could see that he was also worried, but trying not to be.

We made an appointment for the next day. "I'm sorry, Tara, but....." were the words that made my heart sink. I didn't know what to do. The baby's heartbeat stopped at about eight weeks. Eight weeks?! How could I not have known that? My own motherly instinct had failed me.

It has now been five days since we found out. The pain is slowly starting to go away. Luckily, we haven't told our families, so no unpleasant announcements. I told my eldest daughter and she cried as if it was her own baby.

I am so lucky that I have my beautiful family around me at this time. We will get through this together.

Nikki suggested that we name the baby. I think we will do this as a family. Once we have had some times to heal I will be back with a name. In the meantime, I appreciate all of the support. It really does help.

What Would You Do, Tuesday?

Update: I had a talk with my sons (in the car. Thanks, Stef!) and it all worked out okay. It wasn't so much the beer I was worried about, it was more the hiding and dishonesty. It's not like my son to go all ninja-hiding on me. Then again, I know it's all pass and parcel of teenage behaviour. We spoke about the dangers of too much and the consequences of drinking. I said I would prefer for him to have a drink in someone's care (i.e. me or my husband) and he agreed. Thanks for all of the supportive comments. They really helped to put things into perspective.

If you found a six pack of beer under your 16 year old son's bed?

Two missing.

*sigh*

This is when it all gets hard.

I've never experienced anything like this. No major issues with my teenagers and being my first lot of teenagers, I've no idea what to do.

Drinking age here is 18. Maybe I would think differently about this situation if my son was 17, in his 18th birthday year. He's not. He's only 16 years old, and at the start of this year he was only 15.

A million questions are running through my mind:

Where did he get the beer from? Has he actually had the beer? Is he giving them to a friend? Which friend? Why would he do this? Why? Why? Why?

Oh, teenagers...

Little children, headache; big children, heartache.
~ Italian Proverb

My Biggest Wish

... is for all of the families out there to be granted their wishes for a child or more children.

I am extremely lucky to have seven naturally conceived children, including a set of twins. I know there are so many people wanting, waiting and wishing for a child. I think about those people all the time and I don't, for a second, take any of my blessings for granted.

I have had children who have taken only one month to conceive, yet Ethan took over a year to conceive. In a way (having six children already), I know how painful and heartbreaking trying for a child can be. Seeing just one line, or having AF show up in full force month after month is draining, stressful and just generally tiring.

The day you finally get your two lines is a day that you will never forget. Whether it is your first child or ninth, the feeling doesn't fade. All of that stress, pain, heartbreak and hope was worth it for that one day. Hopefully, nine months later, a miracle is welcomed into the world.

I wasn't planning on blogging about my pregnancy until I am well past 12 weeks, but I will say this. While we are over the moon that we will be welcoming another addition into our family, I can't help but think of those who aren't as lucky.

I wish, wish, wish that for every unplanned baby, two more could be granted to those who are patiently waiting.

Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that.

Good luck to all of those who are trying for a child. I am constantly thinking about you.

I Know I'm Lucky

My kids don't cook that much. Mostly because (I can't stand little people around me while I cook) I cook a lot of things in bulk (usually multiplying your average recipe by six or seven and even then, that is only for three night's worth of meals), usually when the kids are at school. However, I do try to include them when baking things like cakes, muffins, quiches and other things like that but my patience wears thin when these sorts of things start happening:

Daughter drops 1kg of flour onto the floor

"Muuuuum! What do I do?"

"Muuuuuum! What does 1C mean? What does 1 little t mean? What does 1 big T mean? What is 200 small m, big l? What's whisk???"

Recipe says 1tsp of vanilla essence

"Oops. Mum, I accidentally put one cup of vanilla essence in. Does that matter?"

My eldest daughter is a great help in the kitchen. Sometimes I think that she can cook even better than me. My teen boys... not so much. Even something like two minute noodles is a hassle and ends up being a huge mess which I'm forced to clean up. It's safer for me and for them if they don't enter the kitchen unless it is absoloutley necessary.

But today...

they surprised me.

We (16, 11, 8, 5 year olds, baby and I) had been out for a looong day at the shops and in the car ride home I was thinking about how much I wanted to NOT cook dinner.

When we arrived home, this was all ready and waiting to be put into the oven:

Recipe and image here

Yes, my 15 and 16 year old boys worked together to make the above creation. It's not the hardest recipe ever, but I am very excited that they can actually put something together without having to be asked. At least that's one less thing for their future wives to complain about.

I am seriously hoping and praying that it tastes as good as it looks. Will report back later!

The Name Game

I looove choosing names. Love it, love it, love it. I could quite happily be employed into the baby-naming business. My husband and my kids think I'm crazy. When I try to start a discussion about names (usually every night, ha!) I am met with these reactions:

Oh My God. No. Baby names? Again? Seriously?

Change of subject, pleeeease.

Um, yep. I like Zelda and Esmerelda. Now, shhh. I'm trying to watch TV.

So, unfortunately, I am left to play the name game all by myself. Boo! I am the one who trawls through books (my bible is pictured above) and suggests all of the names and luckily my husband usually agrees. We hadn't talked about names for my whole pregnancy with the twins, so when they were born, they were nameless for just over a week. Since then, we have made a conscious effort to have a name picked out and ready to go.

For the purpose of this post, I am going to share my kids' names with you. I may remove them in the future, but I will post them so you can get an idea of our "naming style". Here we go:

Janeequah

Shawanga

Deezel

Zoleeka

Jermajesty

Shaneekwah

Kywanda

Ha. Kidding, of course. Although, most of my children have told me sometime during their childhood that they wanted a name change. I wonder how they'd feel with names like those.

So, we have:

(names have been removed)

Now, you won't have noticed this because I didn't until my fifth child, but we haven't doubled up on any letters for first names or middle names. So, me being me (crazy, OCD naming freak) decided to continue on with that tradition.

The letters that are left for us to work with are:

B, D, F, O, P, Q, U, V, W, Y

My favourites are (these will change on a daily basis):

Girls -

Bridget

Olivia

Piper/Pippa

Zara

Zoe

Boys -

Blake

Dylan

Oliver

Zachary

Zane

There you have it. Thankyou blog, for being the.only.one who will listen to my baby name dribble.

What? What do you mean I'm crazy for already having lists of names?